


Sex & Candy

by gaycoffeeboy



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), College, Explicit Language, F/M, Non-Explicit Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:00:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27603857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaycoffeeboy/pseuds/gaycoffeeboy
Summary: Wendy has a Cartman problem, one that she's experienced before, so why is it different now?
Relationships: Eric Cartman/Wendy Testaburger
Kudos: 5





	Sex & Candy

My name is Wendy Testaburger and recently I started college. The only people I know here are my best friend Bebe and Eric Cartman. Me and Bebe have been planning to go here for as long as we can remember, but Eric was more of a coincidence. We’ve never gotten along well at all and I kind of just planned to avoid him while I was here. He has a tendency to make everything about him and then things start going wrong and it’s this whole thing, really not something I want any part of, I got involved too much when we were kids anyway. I was eating lunch in the cafeteria with Bebe, talking about our classes, when Eric appeared out of seemingly thin air.

“Hey Wendy, Bebe,” he started as our faces turned sour, knowing nothing good was to come of this, “Since we only know each other here and no one else, maybe we should start hanging out. We could be friend, wouldn’t that be coo’?”

Bebe laughed, “No that would not be cool, actually that’d probably be pretty uncool. Don’t you have a whole new school full of people to say racist things to?”

Cartman scoffed, “Is that really all I am to you? We’ve known each other over 10 years now and all I am is some asshole that calls kids slurs?”

“Pretty much,” Bebe replied. 

I decided I had to come to Bebe’s defense, no one deserved to deal with Cartman alone, “Look, Eric, as much as it’s not fair for us to shoot you down before giving you a chance, we have literally given you 10 years of chances. You don’t exactly have a history of treating women well.”

“Yeah,” Bebe agreed, “Remember Heidi? Poor girl was never the same after you. We don’t want to risk that sort of thing. Go find a new Kyle or Stan and leave the Heidis of the world alone.”

“Alright fine, you can’t say I didn’t try. When you come crawling back to me because you’re so bored and alone without me, don’t expect me to be so ready to accept you though,” Cartman said angrily and then stormed off.

“Jesus, what was that about?” Bebe asked me as soon as he was far enough away to not hear us.

“I think he just wants a friend,” I said in a tone that was specifically made to sound sympathetic towards Eric while also sounding like I was really on Bebe’s side, this was very important so I could most accurately convey my emotions while making sure Bebe wouldn’t flip out about me being on his side, “I don’t think there was anything malicious going on or anything.”

“Oh please, what is with you?” she asked incredulously, “That’s Eric Cartman we’re talking about. He doesn’t have an honest bone in his big fat body. I feel like you always get this way when we talk about him, as if you view him as a human being or something. It’s honestly kinda gross.”

This was exactly the kind of response I was trying to avoid, time for damage control, “I know how he acts, which is why I took your side in the conversation with him, but I also don’t think it’s fair to call him inhuman or to call me gross for viewing someone as possibly having good intentions even once in his fucking life Jesus Christ Bebe.”

Okay that damage control didn’t really come out how I wanted it to. What was wrong with me, why am I yelling at my best friend to defend Eric fucking Cartman? She was right after all. Bebe left without finishing her food. I tried to apologize, but she left too quickly for me to even finish getting my words out. I couldn’t eat either, I just felt awful. She had a point about me always coming to Eric’s defense. Ever since 3rd grade when I had to kiss him. I tried not to think about that anymore, but it just kept coming back.

That night I had dreams about him. Sexual dreams. I woke up in a cold sweat, knowing that it was happening yet again. Why now of all times? It didn’t seem fair for my body to be doing this to me, I thought I was over him. Whatever, I’m an adult now, I can kiss this asshole and forget about him just like I did 10 years ago.

I saw Eric in the hall the next day. My face flushed so red, all I could do was stare. I knew what I needed to do. I ran over and planted him on the lips, hard. His eyes opened wide, then closed as he accepted it. He put his tongue in my mouth and wow it was actually probably the best kiss I’ve ever had. I can’t believe I was actually thinking that. It felt like it lasted both a lifetime and a second all at once. I couldn’t know for sure what it actually was.

Our lips broke apart and all I could see was Bebe, staring at us in shock across the hall. “No wait, this isn’t what it looks like,” I screamed, “Bebe wait!” I ran after her. Eric kind of just smiled to himself, people were staring and he was really happy with himself despite not knowing why Wendy did that.

“Bebe!” I yelled yet again, grabbing her shoulder.

“What do you want?” she snapped, “You chose Eric Cartman over me. That’s fucking ridiculous and you know it.”

“No, Bebe, I didn’t choose anyone, I was just doing what you told me to do. Back in the 3rd grade when I couldn’t get him out of my head. It was happening again and last time you told me to kiss him and it would fix everything. It worked last time so I figured it would work this time too.”

“How do you even remember that long ago so vividly? I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast this morning,” she said mockingly, “Well Wendy, did it work?”

“Actually, no I don’t think it did,” I replied, having to be fully honest about it.

“Well you know what that means don’t you? You have to have sex with him. We aren’t kids anymore y’know? Go fuck your new boyfriend.”

The worst part of what Bebe was saying to me was that that actually sounded like a good idea. Like I wanted to have sex with Eric Cartman. Wait did I want to have sex with Eric Cartman?

“Speechless?” she taunted.

“I’m going to fuck Eric Cartman,” I told her very matter-of-factly, “I’m going to fuck Eric Cartman, get him out of my head forever, and then go back to being your best friend and seeing that you’re actually totally right about him.”

Bebe smiled, it was like all she needed was for me to say that she is super right all the time and Eric sucks. I don’t blame her.

Lying in bed that night, I begrudgingly called Eric. I felt like I had no other choice.

“Oh helloooo Wendy, I see you’ve come crawling back to me just as I said you would. Are you calling to apologize, ask me out, or both?” Wow maybe this was a mistake.

“Just the second one actually. And just for a one night stand, I don’t want any romance, and I definitely don’t want any longevity out of this.”

“Wait, seriously? You seriously are just calling cause you wanna have sex with me?”

“Yes Eric, don’t rub it in, just let me come over, okay?”

“Book a hotel room for us, I have roommates and I’m not paying for that shit. Oh and bring a condom, I am not knocking anyone up.”

“Fine. What size condom?”

“Okay whatever, I’ll buy condoms, you get the hotel room, call me when you’re ready bye.”

He hung up without even letting me say goodbye. This is the guy I’m letting fuck me. At least it isn’t my first, I could never live that down. I don’t even know if I can live this down.

There I sat in room 302, waiting for the man of no one’s dreams but apparently mine for some reason to walk in and take me. I sighed, was this really what my life had come to? Sex without romance feels so gross, but romance involving Cartman sounds just as gross. I heard a knock on my door. I opened it and we just kind of looked at each other for a minute before Eric flipped the do not disturb sign and closed the door.

“Are we gonna do this or what?” Eric said with that angry inflection he so often has in his voice. It was actually kind of cute.

“You know what, I’ve thought it over and maybe I do want some romance involved. I don’t want to function as some kind of cheap whore, I want there to be at least some foreplay or something.”

“Well I will admit that kiss was kind of nice. Maybe we could play around a little before the main event.”

I laughed. What an idiot. Wait who’s the idiot, me or him? I don’t even know at this point, but I don’t think it matters. We spent the whole night together, we had sex, we watched tv, we played games, we fell asleep together. Maybe I’ve been too hard on the guy. Am I over him now? I don’t know. Only time will tell I guess.


End file.
